Talking to Jill tonight I realized I don't really have any friends. If I was to have this birthday party virtually nobody would be there.

It seems fitting, though. I am a Rat on the Chinese Zodiac. On Dan's birthday we went to the Rice Bowl and I looked at the description of a Rat. Apparently we "rarely make lasting friendships."

I'm beginning to believe it's right.

I am not sure, though, if I actually feel very lonely. Sure, it really sucks when I want to hang out or go shopping or go to the river, but I am SO tired of completely unstable people that I've learned to prefer the company of my own thoughts.

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I really wish Ashley were here. She seems like someone who can empathize and really understand. I just get the feeling we would have a lot to talk about on this subject, among many others.

I think I've been working so hard on myself that I didn't realize my friendships were slowly going to pot. That's good, though. I didn't have to witness it. I've been working on my anxiety, my body, my school/career goals, and my organization. It's paying off, except for the body thing. I work out but my clothes seem smaller. :(

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On a completely different note, I think I'm going to try to get a new job. So much is changing. My work friends (including Elliot, my partner in crime) are leaving and we have been training people that I just don't like and wouldn't want to be stuck with for hours in a room.